How is a thong like barbed-wire fence? It protect the property without obstructing the view. Honey,”” Said a husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.” What? Are you crazy?” The wife replied. The house is a mess, I haven’t been shopping, and I don’t feel like cooking fancy meal.” I know all that,” he said. “Then why did you invite a friend for supper”? She asked. He replied, “Because the poor fool’s thinking about getting married.” A mother asked her daughter what she wanted for her birthday. The little girl replied, “I want a Barbie and G.I.Joe.” “G.I.Joe?” the mother asked. “I thought Barbie and ken.” The daughter replied, “no she comes with G.I.Joe. She fakes it with ken.” Why did god give women a belly button? So there’s a place to stash your gum on the way down. One day George W. Bush was leading three cows into the white house. A marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said, “Nice cows sir,” The president replied, “These are no just any cows; these are authentic Texas Black Angus cows. I got one for Laura, one for Barbara and one for Jenna,” The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted and replied, “Nice trade, sir.” Two guys were discussing attitudes about sex, marriage and family values The first man said, “I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married. Did you? “I’m not sure,” the second replied. “what was her maiden name?’ A precious little girl walked into a pet shop and asked with a lisp, “Excuthe me, Mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?” The Shopkeeper’s heart melted, and he knelt down beside her and asked, “Do you want a widdle white Wabbit or thoft bwack one?” The little girl replied, “I don’t ’think my python gives a thit.”

An old man went to the doctor for his yearly physical, and his wife tagged along. The doctor entered the examination room and told the man, “I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample.” The old man, being hard to hearing, looked at his wife and yelled, “What did he say?” His wife yelled back, “He needs your underwear.” A husband bought a new brand of condom named Olympic. When he got home he informed his wife of his purchase. “Olympic condoms?” she asked. “What makes them so special?” “The are three colors,” he replied. “Gold, silver, and bronze.” “What color are you going to wear tonight?” she asked cheekily. ”Gold, of course,” said the man proudly. “Why don’t you wear silver?” the wife responded. “It would be nice if you came second for a change.” The movie Brokeback Mountain is ushering in a new wave of western, but in this genre the good guys get it in the end. A tour bus traveling through Nevada drove by the Mustang Ranch. The guide noted, “We are now passing the largest house of prostitution in America.” To which a male passenger shouted. “Why?” Three buddies went on a skiing trip, but the hotel was overbooked, so they all had to share a king-size bed in a single room. In the morning one guy said, “I had a strange dream last night that I was being jerked off.” “That’s odd, ” another guy said. “I had the same dream.” The guy who had slept between them said, “Uh-oh. I dreamed I was skiing.” Why are there no smart husbands? Smart men don’t get married.

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? Chocked. One night a couple was lying in bed. The husband was feeling frisky, so he tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm to indicate that he wanted sex. The wife turned over and said, “I’m sorry, dear but I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow. And I want to stay fresh.” Dejected, the husband turned over and tried to sleep. A few minutes later he rolled back and whispered in her ear, “Do you have a dentist appointment, too?” A man and his two friends were talking at a bar. His first friend said, “I think my wife is having sex with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed.” His second friend said, “I think my wife is having sex with the plumber. The other day I found pipe wrench under the bed.” The man said, “That’s nothing. I think my wife is having sex with a horse.” Both his friends looked at him in disbelief. I’m serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under the bed.” A boy came home from school one day and said to his mom, “Guess what happened to me in school today. I had sex with my teacher!” His mom became very upset and screamed, “Go to you room! We’ll tell your father what you did when he gets home.” When the father came home, the boy told him. “Way to go son,” the father replied. “let’s go buy you a new bicycle.” When they came out of the shop with a brand-new bike, the father asked, “Do you want to ride it home?” “No,” the boy replied. “My ass still hurts.” A man went to his optometrist to have his eyes examined. The doctor told him, “Listen, you’ve got to stop masturbating.” “Why, Doc?” the man asked. “Am I going blind?” “No,” said the optometrist. “But you’re upsetting my other patients.”

A man was looking for work at a blacksmith shop. The blacksmith asked him, “cam you shoe horses?” “I’m not sure,” the man said, “but I once told a donkey fuck off.” A kid was sitting on his lawn with a box of newborn puppies when George W. Bush came by on his morning run. Bush asked the boy what the puppies were. The boy said, “Republicans.” The president beamed, patted the boy on the head and said, “Thatta boy!” A few weeks later Bush was jogging again, this time with Dick Cheney in tow. Bush stopped at the boy house, winked at Dick and said, “Hey, kid, what kind of puppies are in the box?” The boy said, ‘Democrats.” Bush looked crushed and said. “What happened? A few weeks ago they were Republicans.” “Well,” the boy said, “that was before they opened their eyes.” In the beginning God created the earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman, and since then neither God nor man has rested. A little boy watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face. Why are you rubbing that on your face, mommy?” he asked. ‘To make myself beautiful,” said his mother. A few minutes later she began removing the cream with tissue. “What’s the matter?” asked the little boy. “Giving up?” Why don’t women have brain? Because they don’t have a penis to carry them in.

In a recent study, scientists found that red Wine is good both for the heart and for seducing hot coeds. Two women were talking about their sons who were off at college. “My son is so brilliant,” the First woman said, “every time I get a letter from him I have to go to the dictionary.”      You’re lucky,” the other replied. “Every Time I get a letter from my son, I have to go to the Bank”. Kids in backseats cause accident. Accidents in backseats cause kids. A busy couple whose schedules allowed them to have sex only once a month bought a box of 12 condoms so they would be set for a year. Three months down the road, the wife went to get one and found the box empty. “What Happened to the other 10 condoms?” she asked. He nervously replied, “Er, I masturbated with them.” Later she shared the story with a male friend and asked, “Have you ever done that?” “Yeah once or twice,” he told her. “You mean you’ve actually masturbated with a condom?” she asked. “Oh,” he said, “I thought you were asking if i'd ever lied to my wife.” It was just a simple misunderstanding, your Honor,” testified the man charged with indecent exposure “Explain that statement,” the judge demanded. “Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in a bar, and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman – so I showed her.” A doctor was interviewing an elderly patient. “Have you been bedridden long, ma’am?” He asked. She replied, “Oh, not for about 20 years, not since my husband died.” A man went into the library and asked the librarian to help him find a book on suicide. “Fuck off,” the Liberian replied. “You won’t bring it back.”

A guy met a girl in a bar and asked, “May I buy you a drink?” “Okay. But it won’t do you any good,” she replied. A little later he asked, “May I buy you another drink?” “Okay. But it wont do you any good.” At closing time he invited her up his apartment, and she replied, “Okay but it won’t do you any good.” When they got to his apartment he said, “You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I want you for my wife.” “Oh,” she replied, “that’s different.  Send Her in.” A woman knelt in the confessional and said, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how Beautiful I am.” The Priest turned, took a good look at the woman and said, “My dear, I have good news. That isn’t a sin. It’s simply a mistake.” Two men were shooting the breeze when one said his wife was driving him to drink. “You’re lucky,” the other replied. “Mine Makes me walk.” According to a new study by the centers for disease control, half of American teenagers are having oral sex – the others half are still wearing braces. How is poker like sex? Everyone thinks they are the best, but most People don’t know what they are doing. A sequel to the exorcist in being filmed that is a little different from its predecessor. In this once a woman hires the devil to get a priest out Of her son.

What was George W. Bush’s position on roe v. Wade? He didn’t care how people got out of New Orleans. A man went to the doctor and said, “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.” “That’s a big decision,” said the doctor. “Have you talked about it with your family?” “Yeah.” Said the man. “They’re in favor of it 15 to 17.” Why do women fake orgasms? Because they think we care. How many desperate housewives does it take to screw a light bulb? Housewives don’t screw in light bulbs. They Screw in SUVs. An old rancher died, leaving everything to his devoted wife. Needing help, she decided to advertise for a ranch hand. Only two men applied. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought about it and hired the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have Him around. He proved to be hard worker who put in long hours and knew a lot about ranching. To reward his good work she let him have the night off to go into town for some fun. Later that night he returned to the ranch house. Halfway to his room, he saw the woman standing Beside the fireplace, a glass of wine in her hand. She called him over. “Unbutton my blouse and take it off,” she ordered. Trembling, he did so. “Now take off my boots,” she said. “Now my socks,” The hired man complied. “Now take off my skirt.” He unzipped it. “Now take off my bra.” He did as he was told. “Now take off my panties.” He slowly pulled them down. She fixed him with a determined gaze and said,” If you ever wear my clothes into town you’re fired.” Two hillbillies were out fishing one afternoon. The First said to the second, ”Supposing’ I was to sneak over to your place Saturday and make love to your wife while you was Off hunting’, and she got pregnant and had a baby. Would that make us kin?” The second replied, “I don’t know about that, but it sure make us even.”

What do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common? No ball room. A guy was at the supermarket when a sexy blonde raised her hand and smiled at him. He was taken aback at such a looker waving to him. Unable to place her, he said, “Sorry, do you know me?” She replied, “I may be mistaken, but I think you might be the father of one of my children.” His mind shot back to the one and only time he had been unfaithful. “Holy shit,” he said. “Are you that stripper from my bachelor party who I screwed on the pool table in front of all my friends while your girl friend whipped me with wet celery?” “No,” she replied, “I’m your son’s teacher.” A gorgeous young woman asked the manager of a designer boutique, “May I try on that dress in the window?” “Go ahead,” the manager replied. “Maybe it’ll attract business.” How do Arab women lose 20 pounds every night? The get undressed for bed Monica Lewinsky was walking along a beach when she tripped over a calm. A genie popped out of the clam and said, “You have released me from 1,000 years of imprisonment, but since you’ve been a bad girl I will grant you only one wish instead of three.” Monica thought and said, “Well, I’m already rich from my best – selling book. I’ve already had relations with a powerful man. Can you make my love handles disappear?” “Your wish is granted,” said the genie, and with a nod of his head – poof ! – her ears vanished.

What did the sign outside a whorehouse say? Beat it. We’re closed. A first – grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multisyllabic words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children for examples of words with more than two syllables. One pupil stood up and said, “Mas-tur-ba-tion.” Shocked and trying to retain her composure, the teacher said, “wow. Four syllables. That certainly is a mouthful.” “No ma’am,” he replied. “you’re thinking of blow job, and that’s only two syllables.” A guy met a girl and was invited back to her place for the night. As they went into her bedroom, he noticed that it was filled with stuffed animals. They were on top of the wardrobe, on the bookshelf and windowsill, on the floor and spread all over the bed. Later, after they’d had sex, he turned to her and asked, “So how was I?” “Well,” she said, “you can take anything from the bottom shelf.” Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had passed away, a woman went to her grand parents’ house to visit her 95 years-old grand mother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.” Obviously surprised, the woman told her grandmother that two people having sex when they are nearly 100 years old would surely be asking for trouble. “Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was on Sunday morning when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm – nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong.” She paused to wipe away a tear and continued, “He’d still be alive today if that fucking ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”

An American – history teacher, lecturing the class on the puritans, asked, “What sort of people were punished in the stocks?” To which a voice from the back of the room responded “The small investor.” An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent and the food exceptional. “But,” said the Scotsman “I still prefer the pubs back home. Why, in Glasgow there’s a little bar where the owners goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he will buy the fifth.” The Englishman responded, “Well at my local bar, the owner would buy you your third drink after you bought the first two.” “Ah, that’s nothing,” the Irishman said. “Back home there’s this bar where the moment you set foot in the place they’ll buy you a drink and them coming all night. Then when you’ve had enough to drink, they take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house.” The Englishman and Scotsman immediately doubted the Irishman’s claims. “Well,” said the Englishman, “did this actually happen to you?” “No, not myself personally,” said the Irishman. “But it did happen to my sister.” An American business man was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and was going at it when she cried out, “fujifoo,fujifoo,”which guy took to be an exclamation of pleasure. The nest day he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and got a hole in one. Wanting to impress them , he yelled, “fujifoo.” The Japanese businessmen looked confused and said, “No, you got the right hole.” A six-years-old asked his father, “Daddy, what is a transvestite?” “Go ask your mother. He’ll tell you.”

Two elderly men were talking about their sex lives. One told the other, “I had sex with a 30 years –old three times last night.” The friend said, “Wow. You must be using that Viagra.” “No,” the man said. “I know a little secret: wheat bread. Eat lots of it and you can have sex for hours.” So the second man ran to the nearest supermarket and grabbed six loaves of wheat bread. At the checkout counter the cashier said, “That’s a lot of bread. It will probably get hard before you’re done eating it all.” “Well, I’ll be damned,” the man said. “Does everyone know about this but me?” A married executive took a business trip to palm beach. The weather was so nice that he decided to stay an extra week. He e-mailed his best friend with the message “Hop on the next plane for a week fun on me. Bing my wife and your mistress.” A few hours later his friend wrote back, “Your wife and I are arriving tomorrow at noon. How long have you known about us?” A man walked into a car dealership and spotted the car of his dreams. He walked over to inspect it. As he bent to feel the fine leather upholstery, he broke wind. Embarrassed, he looked around nervously to see if anyone was nearby. A salesman approached and said, “Good day, sir, how may I help you today?” The man asked, “what’s the price of this car?” The salesman answered, “Frankly, sir I’d rather not say.” He said, “Why not?” The salesman said, “If you farted just touching it, you’re going to shit when you hear the price.” How can you tell if you’re a dyslexic schizophrenic? You always think you are following somebody. What does it mean when a redneck has a beer dripping from both corners of his mouth? The trailer is level

A man and a woman were making out in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes the man stopped and said, “Damn, I wish I had a flashlight.” The woman said, “Me too. You’ve been eating grass for the past 10 minutes.” One morning a woman woke up and told her husband, “I dreamt they were auctioning off penises. The long ones went for $10 and the thick ones went for $20.” Her husband asked, “What did they do with ones like mine?” She said, “They gave them away for free.” Her husband said, “I had a dream last night too. I dreamt they were auctioning off vaginas. The pretty ones went for $1.000, and the tight ones went for $2.000.” The wife asked, “And how much for the ones like mine?” He replied, “That’s where they held the auction.” A blonde went to see a doctor and complained, “I keep seeing spots before my eyes.” The physician scratched his head, “Have you seen an ophthalmologist?” “No,” she said, “just spots.” Two buddies were having a drink at a bar when a subject turned to sex and marriage. ”Do you and your wife ever do it doggy style?” the first man asked. “Well, every once in a while,” the second man replied. “But she’s more into the trick dog thing.” “Oh I see,” the first man said. “Kinky stuff, eh?” “Well, not exactly,” the second replied. “I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead

A middle-aged couple had two stunningly beautiful daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they’d always wanted. After a few months of attempting to conceive, the wife became pregnant. She delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified to find the ugliest child he had ever laid eyes on. He told his wife, “look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered. There’s no way that’s my son. Have you been fooling around on me?” A thief broke into the louver and told several famous paintings but was caught when authorities found his van by the side of the road. “I don’t believe it,” the police captain said. “How could you plan such a bold robbery, then get caught so easily?” “Simple,” the robber answerd. “I didn’t have Monet for Degas to make the Van Gogh.” What does a blonde call a blow job in a Honda? Her Civic duty. In an attempt to put a new patient at ease during a checkup, a gynecologist decided to strike up a casual conversation. He noticed the label on her scandals read HECHO EN MEXICO. So she asked his patient, “When were you in Mexico?” She replied, “You can tell that from a pelvic exam?” Although George W. Bush doesn’t drink alcohol anymore, he still enjoys playing bartender. He invented a cocktail that calls for two ounces of scotch with a dash of cocaine, It’s called an Evil Dewar’s. A wife went to see a therapist and said, “I’ve got a big problem, Doc. Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out his earsplitting yell.” “ My dear,” the shrink said, “that’s completely natural. I don’t see what the problem is.” “The problem is,” she complained, “it wakes me up."

A cabdriver picked up a nun. When she got into the cab, the driver couldn’t stop staring at her. “I have to ask you a question,” he said, “and I hope you won’t be offended.” “My son,” the nun said, “I’ve seen too much of the world to be offended by anything you might say. What is your question?” “Well,” he said, “I’ve always had a fantasy of being kissed by a nun.” The nun smiles and said, “I’ll grant your wish on two conditions. First, you must be single, and second, you must be a catholic.” The cabdriver became very exited and said. Yes I’m single and I am catholic.” “Okay,” the nun said. “Pull into the next alley.” The nun fulfilled his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they got back on the street. The cabdriver began to cry. “My dear,” said the nun, “why are you crying?” “Forgive me,” the cabdriver said. “I lied. I must confess; I’m married and I’m Jewish.” The nun replied, ‘That’s okay. My name is Kevin, and I’m going to a Halloween party.” A woman told her psychiatrist that she’d fallen in love with a vibrator. “It’s not as bad as it sounds,” she said. “It’s just an on-again, off-again relationship.” What do you call a nanny with breast implants? A faux pair. How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb? None they’ll just let their children take care of it. The latest high-tech gadget out of silicon valley is sleek, eight inches long, made of white plastic and has a women happily singing out loud. It’s called the ipod What do you call a prostitute with her hands up her skirt? Self-employed.